Settling for mediocre sex is a norm for most women – they don’t know how to tell their partners what they want in bed without bruising their ego or coming off as demanding. But wishing he could get it right (which is what some resort to) won’t help, and neither will faking an orgasm.
“My sex life sucked until I met my current boyfriend, Ken,” says a woman we’ll call Molly. In her previous relationship, Molly was too shy to show her partner how to satisfy her.
“I’d fake an orgasm to please him and sometimes to make the bad sex end,” she says. The relationship ended when one time during a night of passion (eyes rolling) she asked her boyfriend, “Are you done?”
When she met Ken, she thought she’d be going through the same motions. “Ken was different. He’d ask me what I wanted in the heat of the moment. This encouraged me to speak out, to really speak out. I’d give him pointers by moaning every time he did something right or directing him with my hands. Now I can say I’m having the best sex of my life,” she says.
“What women should know is that men can’t read minds. We want to please you as much as you please us. I’d rather she tells me what she wants rather than faking an orgasm. It’s really not fair that I’m enjoying myself and she’s not,” says Keith, a 30-year-old banker in Missouri.
“Sometimes it’s scary to talk about sex,” says Tammy Nelson, author of Getting the Sex you want: Shed your Inhibitions and Reach New Heights of Passion Together. “And yet, an early pattern of relating to each other in an open and honest way can make sex rewarding later on.”
“Good sex, for both men and women, requires information, practice, communication, and cooperation,” adds Lonnie Barbach in her book, For Yourself: The Fulfilment of Female Sexuality.
The same way they say you are in charge of your happiness, your orgasm also depends on you. If you want it different, want more or less of something, or want to start something new, it’s all about communication. Here’s how to go about it.
Ask him what he wants
If there is something you’ve always wanted to try or there’s something you’ve always wished he could do differently, encourage him to talk first (you’ll be surprised that there is something he’d also been shy about voicing too). Once he’s done, turn the conversation back to you. Tell him what feels good, what you want more of and also, how you want it.
Some oohing and aahing during intercourse shows him that his efforts are really paying off. “As long as they are not fake, those sounds show me that you’re having fun and that I’m doing something right. The fact that I’m pleasing a woman is a major turn-on,” says Titus, a 26-year-old auditor in Kentucky.
Guide him with your hands
Guide him by gently placing his hands where you want him to touch and how much pressure you like. If he is squeezing and you want him to gently rub, place his hand on yours and show him. Even the pros need pointers!
Be sure to use “I” statements when offering feedback to avoid hurting his feelings. Saying things like, “I really love it when you do…” Or when he’s not doing something right you can say, “I love that, but do it gently.”
Take the lead
“Men love it when women are in charge once in a while,” says Brian from Nairobi. If you want him to do something, give him a hint by doing it to him first. “One time my girlfriend lay back and gently squeezed her nipple, which gave me a clue as to what she wanted. Even the most experienced of lovers need guidance, and her doing that makes it a better experience for both of us,” he adds.
Related: Classic Mind Games Women Play on Men
Do You Know Your Hotspots?
If you don’t know what your erogenous zones are, how will you even know what you want in bed? To help with this, a group of Canadian scientists went on a quest to find women’s most sensitive body parts. They used light touch, pressure, and vibration to test the sensitivity of various female body parts. That included the usual hot spots like the nipple and neutral areas like the forearm.
The study findings were interesting. When they applied stimulation on each spot for 1.5 seconds, participants said that for the light touch, the neck, the forearm, and the vaginal margin were the most sensitive areas. The least sensitive to the light touch was the areola (the pigmented area around the nipple). For pressure, the most sensitive areas were the clitoris and nipple while the least were the side boob and the abdomen. For vibration, again, the clitoris and the nipple were the most sensitive. Now you know. You’re welcome.