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Talking about money while we love each other is contrary to the romantic ideal. It’s reminiscent of the Middle Ages, the time of the dowry, the “good party” and other ugly expressions where finance surpasses sentiment. Today, “when we love, we do not count”. Strange paradox, in a life where we spend our time calculating: the price of rent, shopping, wages, allowances, credits … Now, no one is fooled. From the first moments of dredge, by glancing at his prey, his clothes, his style, one can evaluate his financial situation. No, of course, it does not matter. But we note. Then comes the first glass, the one we offer, or that we pay. And quickly, it’s the avalanche: first gifts, holidays, rent sharing, common account, differences in wages … All topics that put this question on the carpet. Yes, the salon. Near the chimney. That you bought 50/50, three times without fees. So, the money, let’s talk about it! To tame it, to desecrate it, so that it does not rot our relations and that it remains what it must be: a simple tool. Let the question be settled as soon as possible, and let us be quiet.

The Meeting

1. Who pays for the first glass?

“Leave, I invite you. And now, the money has just entered the conversation. And this, from the first appointment. So, who is the first? In general, the guys. According to an Ifop survey, 88% of men claim to pay for the first restaurant. “In France, generosity remains valued in men, notes the sociologist Caroline Henchoz, author of the Couple, Love and Money (ed L’Harmattan). Unlike Quebec, for example, where the standard is to share. In the public sphere, there is a desire for gender equality. But in relationships of seduction, the codes of gallantry continue. “Not for Stephanie, 31, who still insists to settle the note:” I do not see why it would be the guy to do it. I refuse to be invited without compensation. ”

2. Does money make it beautiful?

Imagine that you are a hyena. Yes, you are not very pretty: you drink and pigeonhole. Well, now, put on a Kooples suit, put a gel in your shaggy hair and feel the wad of big notes in the inside pocket of your jacket. You have just doubled your seduction capital! “Having money gives you self-confidence,” says sociologist Jeanne Lazarus, author of Sociologie de l’Argent (La Découverte). Since you have it, it’s not an issue when you meet someone. This opens up a set of futures to the next. With you, he can dream. The effect is even double: the more money you have, the more handsome you are, and the more beautiful you are, the more money you earn! A study from the University of Melbourne has shown that handsome Australian kids earn 22% more than those with “average” physiques. On the other hand, the ugly ones receive 26% less.

3. And you, how much do you earn?

Difficult to ask the question at the very beginning of a relationship. But why is it so taboo? Fifty years ago, the money and heritage of future spouses were at the heart of love arrangements. According to the psychoanalyst Bernard Prieur, author of The Silver in the Couple (Ed .: Albin Michel), the couple would have become the “last block of resistance […] where one could afford not to count, since it is governed solely by the thirst for idealism and the laws of love. Anne-Sophie, 28, has been with Mehdi for seven years and still does not know how much he earns. “I know he has a lot of money. But it does not interest me, I do not want to know. It’s a way for me to stay independent. ”

4. Are stooges bad lovers?

“To pay less, he traded the labels when he bought vegetables. I found it unbearable, says Juliette, 27 years old. For my birthday, he offered me dinner at the seaside … But on the spot, it was menu at 14 euros, making me feel that he was making an effort. While he earned 3,000 euros a month! In short, he had many qualities but I had the impression that he did not care about my mouth … “The story did not last. “The person radine counts permanently, it is not in the sharing,” notes Marie-Claude François-Laugier, psychoanalyst and author of The Money in the couple and the family (Payot ed.). But there is worse than the stingy: the miser. “Avarice is a pathology, continues the psychiatrist. The miser lives only for the accumulation. He is drugged with money. He can give neither his time nor his love. If it’s a stingy, watch out. A miser, run away!

5. Are stooges bad shots?

No serious study has addressed this thorny problem, but according to Miss Y., our sexo specialist in the editorial, no doubt: “Claw in life, bedridden! The stingy is no preliminaries, does not practice oral sex and enjoy with a time in hand because time is money. Help! ”

6. How much am I worth?

On the WhatsYourPrice dating site, “generous” members open their wallets for a face-to-face sweetheart with an “alluring” member. Julia, our journalist, tried her luck by wondering, worried, how much she was worth, “I quickly get a first e-winky tease of 56-year-old, athletic GreyRocky. I propose an appointment at 60 euros. He accepts. “You have a good performance/price, he whispered on the phone. Pay 50/60 euros for a coffee with a pretty young woman, it’s worth it. It changes me old skins [sic]. “The requests multiply on my account. Two hours later, I get my most important bid: 1,140 euros! Wahoo! My admirer lives in Qatar. The beginning of a love story? I ask her opinion to Lola, 24, who was the sugar baby of a man of thirty years his eldest for a year. The principle: sugar daddies, businessmen generally aged 50 and over, maintain (very) young women in exchange for their “company”. “We’d meet at the hotel about twice a week,” says Lola. He left me an envelope of about 600 euros each time. He behaved as if we were in a relationship, even though, clearly, it was prostitution. Over time, I got to know him and I felt affection for him. He became a friend. “It does not give me any desire. Too bad for my Qatari suitor: I decline his generous invitation. ”

The couple

7. Thrifty + spendthrift = impossible love?

Could you stay with someone with whom you do not get along sexually? No, probably not. For the money, it’s the same. Being in a relationship means sharing common values ​​and goals, including financial issues. “The much-maligned marriage of carp and rabbit does not necessarily lead to failure, provided that everyone does not warn on its difference,” tempers the psychologist Bernard Prieur. The important thing is to remain lucid about the nature of your partner. “It happens that for fear of losing the love of the other, we forget ourselves to the point of accepting a model that does not correspond to us. In the United States, some Baptist churches hold discussions on the topic of money between the bride and groom. “In nearly 25% of cases, the fiancés give up their project because they realize their incompatibility”, notes Bernard Prieur.

8. Can we live with love and freshwater?

Come, my beloved, we will dress in loincloths that we will make with leaves of plane trees and we will feed wild pigeons of the district. It makes you dream? No, you prefer to go to the restaurant … Mathilde, 25, has had a long history with a charming but broke boy. “At first, it’s not a problem,” she says. But as soon as you want to go further, make plans, everything becomes complicated, it’s frustrating. Today, I pay attention to the situation of the guy. Not out of interest, but just so that it is not a subject of stress. For others, the return to sobriety can be beneficial. With her ex-boyfriends, Marie-Charlotte has not stopped spending money to please: restaurants, gifts, and little touches. None of these relationships lasted. But today, she found love with David. Chance or coincidence: when they met, they were both dry. “It has made the relationship healthier,” she says. I believe that with my ex, I earned too much my life to go on an egalitarian basis. ”

9. He/she spends like his mother, it’s normal?

“For my parents, the money was a cause for concern,” says Laurie, 27. They talked about it all the time. I suffered and suddenly I tend to spend, probably not to take my head. It’s not easy for my boyfriend, who is more anxious about it. Our relationship to money is built in our youngest years, when we discover the lack, the exchange, the frustration. For Freud, it is related to excrements (!), The first thing the baby is able to remember or give. Stool would be his first currency. Difficult to change a behavior that comes from so far. “The goal should rather be to recognize the heritage of our parents to better appropriate and transform it,” notes the psychoanalyst Bernard Prieur. Like dad, you’re stingy. Yes Yes. Accept it if you want to change. And finally, spoil mamour.

10. The gift, a currency of exchange?

“When I learned the price of my engagement ring, I thought it was crazy,” says Noémie, 30. It was an extra mark of his commitment. »More is expensive and more we like? Not quite, moderates the sociologist Caroline Henchoz: “In the period of seduction, the gifts are extremely delicate to make and to receive. Most partners make use of money so that their gesture is interpreted as the expression of love and not of the calculation involved. An important gift at the beginning of a relationship may be badly perceived. So you have to adjust your presents over time. The jewel in solid gold from the second appointment = anxiety. The cooking manual to celebrate your ten years = break.

11. Should we share the rent?

If you are married, there is a rule, written in the Civil Code. “If the matrimonial agreements do not regulate the contribution of the spouses to the expenses of the marriage, they participate in proportion to their respective faculties. Translation: If no agreement is provided, you must pay to the extent of its means. According to a study by INSEE, 51% of couples work according to this proportional system, while 21% simply divide by two, regardless of the income of each. 16% set up a compensation system. Example: “I pay the rent, you pay the shopping, the expenses of the apartment and the coolant of the 106.”

12. Buying a home is better than getting married?

In a relationship with Anne for ten years, Romain, 28, does not taste the wedding: “It is not consistent with my political and philosophical ideal.” The hallmark of his commitment is the purchase of their home. “For me, it’s much stronger and also more rational: we choose the house together, we do the work together, it’s a sharing process. According to an Ifop survey, 43% of people under 35 think that buying an apartment involves more than just marriage. The ring finger: corny. Credit on the back: much more modern.

13. Do we open a common account?

” Especially not! I recommend it to all my clients. Elise, director of a bank branch in Paris, is CA-TÉ-GO-RI-QUE. “The common account is worse than the marriage: in case of an overdraft, you are in solidarity, that is to say, that you pay for the other. One may decide to empty the account and the other has no recourse. My job is to consider breaking up, I have a discourse that shakes up the idyllic vision of eternal love. Among couples who have been living together for at least one year, almost two-thirds share their income in common (INSEE, 2012). Delphine and Romain, both 30 years old, are like “we merge everything”. “There is no more difference between my, his and our money, says Delphine. At this moment, it is Roman who brings back the biggest salary, me, I devote myself to the children. The pooling of resources goes well with our vision of the couple. We are fusional and we have total confidence in our future. I find it even a little unhealthy when we are in a long history of wondering who will adjust the restaurant. ”

14. Whoever pays is the one who decides?

Laurie and Gérald feed their joint account in proportion to their income. Gérald puts more. And it is also he who has a little more control over the management of this nest egg. “For deco elements,” says Laurie, “we use this account. Sometimes, I happen to want to buy something for the house and Gerald reminds me to order, he told me that we have to wait until next month. It’s a little frustrating. “The one who earns more is tempted to treat the other as a child, affirming his sense of ownership and enjoyment,” notes Marie-Claude Francois-Laugier. In recent weeks, Laurie is getting a better salary. What’s the difference? “If I really want something, I know I can buy it without having to talk. I feel like I have more freedom. ”

15. Should we set up a business together?

A study by INSEE shows that businesses run by lovers are 1.3 times more likely to be active after one year than others. But the situation remains rare, as only 5% of the companies created are “couple business”. Tim and Anne-Laure, now 30, opened a restaurant in Upper Jura four years ago. “A titanic construction site, 150 000 euros investment, we rehabilitated a farm, says Anne-Laure. It was our baby to both of us. Except that the couple exploded in flight after two seasons. “Creating together is good, it’s beautiful, but it’s exhausting the couple. We were always on each other, we choked. The business did not survive their story. Tim would have continued the adventure but could not afford to buy the shares of Anne-Laure.

16. Money is also invited to bed?

According to a 2013 study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, Danish and US researchers report a 10% increase in Viagra consumption when a man earns less than his wife. “Some husbands in this situation can no longer touch their partner, says Marie-Claude François-Laugier. They may even decide to resort to prostitutes. By buying the report, they give themselves a virile power. The problem does not only affect the guys. “A patient was sent to me by her doctor. Technically, everything was fine. But she was having bouts of vaginismus. Her vagina contracted, making any penetration impossible. We quickly came to the question of money. In fact, she was blocked because of her salary higher than that of her husband. ”

17. Should we be maintained?

Since he is installed with Agathe, Laurent, 33 years old, director, does not settle any invoice. “It sounds cynical, but I assume. I saw so much in the eyes of people “Laurent, he is not pissed off”. I do not care. I do not associate the dignity of a person with his ability to make money. It does not humiliate me. My way of buying my symbolic freedom is to work as a damned. Agathe, on the other hand, sees no problem. “He has a crazy talent and his project is as much mine. I consider that I am patronizing. Besides, my friends call me the Ministry of Culture. An economic balance that could be turned upside down. For a year now, Laurent has started to make profits with his company. “I’m afraid it could destabilize us,” he says. Money is part of my appreciation for my wife and, if I make a living, we will need to recreate a new addiction … ”

Breaking

18. Thune: a clash motif?

The lack of resources is clearly the reason why Fabien, 33, was tackled. “She was a girl for whom money was very important. She stayed in a couple for ten years with men much older than her, who were armored with money. We had a passionate relationship for six months. One night, she starts to blame me for letting her pay two or three times in the evening. The discussion escalated and she said, “I do not feel financially secure with you.” “According to a YouGov poll, 46.7% of couples admit that sorrel has been a cause for dispute. For 3.4%, this can motivate a break.

19. It’s bankruptcy. You’re leaving me?

When Sam, 33, was unemployed, his relationship with Helene took a hit: “It’s hard not to be able to participate. I did not feel up to it anymore. It played on the intensity of our love and sexual desire. Hélène had a better experience of the situation. “What’s mine is ours. I did not feel it in my charge. On the other hand, he began to flirt each of my small pleasure expenses. According to an INSEE survey, men who have been unemployed for less than two years are twice as likely to experience a break-up as those who are employed.

20. Are the rich more unfaithful?

It hurts to write so it’s cliche, but an unfaithful guy is a man … rich. That’s what emerges from a study of the Gleeden extramarital dating site from the information provided by its users. 85% of infidels are CSP + and 22% work in finance, banking or insurance. And what is their seduction budget? Up to 350 euros a month for 58% of them.

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