All of us know that it’s never easy to let go of a relationship. We hang on long after the love has fizzled. If you say to yourself, “it’s not working” more than a few times, in many cases, the best thing is to move on. I get asked for advice quite regularly about how to make that final decision. I got another email today.
First, I’m no expert so I can only say what I would do if faced with that situation. People who want to make a decision but just can’t decide whether to stay or to go often look to someone else to help them sort out their true feelings. Sometimes people look for a decision because they feel like they’re drifting apart from their partner and can’t find a way to drift back together. Other times it’s because their partner/spouse has cheated and the ugly trust factor comes into play.
Answering these emails is always a crapshoot for me because the person asking the question is leaning one way or the other but I don’t know which. So for this reason, I tell them the right answer is always the one that feels right inside.
When should you consider leaving? It’s different for everyone but if you are quite unhappy where you are, here are a few things to consider when deciding if your relationship is worth salvaging or not:
* Do you trust your partner to be faithful if that’s what you have promised each other?
* Does your partner lie to you about important (or even unimportant) things?
* Do you see a good future with this person and you?
* Does your partner say mean or abusive things to you? Does your partner act rudely towards you?
* Do you ever feel like you’d rather be alone than with this person?
Read HOW TO TELL IF A RELATIONSHIP IS WORTH SAVING AFTER YOUR PARTNER CHEATS for a comprehensive guide on how to answer these questions.
I know these are some pretty heavy questions and hopefully, you’ll be able to answer each one in a positive way. I think most relationships are worthy of trying to rebuild it but both of you need guts and determination to work through it together. One person can’t do it alone. It’s a waste of energy and will only make you angrier each and every day.
Some relationships are probably NOT worth saving.
* If your partner is verbally abusive.
* If your partner embarrasses you in public.
* If your partner goes out of his or her way to make you miserable
* If you are more unhappy than you are happy
In my view, if you can answer yes to any of those, why stay miserable? You deserve to be happy in this life. Of course, every relationship has good and bad times. If you feel that you’ve got the Ground Hog’s Day movie going on with bad times, you have the ability to choose better for yourself.
Once you decide that it’s not possible to get back to where you started out, it’s time to let go. You can expect some grieving time but that’s normal. What’s really important is to accept it. Accept that letting go of this relationship is in your best interest. The breakup isn’t going to be the end of the world and although things will be different, life will be better in a lot of ways.
Spend time finding out who you are all over again. You’ve been in the mindset of “we” rather than “I” for a long time. Decide what interests you want to explore on your own. Take a new class in something that’s always interested you. Take up bowling or golf. Do things where you’ll make new “me” friends.
Don’t rush the dating thing. Once you learn how to like yourself as a singleton, others will like you too. Don’t hurry to get serious with the first person you meet. It won’t work. You’ve got a lot of baggage. Just start out making a bunch of new friends. Take it slowly. You will be fine on your own and when you’re ready, you’ll know it.
Never dwell on what you’ve lost. If your partner made the decision to be on his or her own, you’ve got to stop thinking “loss.” Nothing is to be gained by that. You’ve done the grieving, so now think about all the positives that you have in your life. No more arguing, no more worrying about whatever that happened between you and the ex. Look forward to knowing the best is yet to come. Look forward to having sex way more often. Look forward to having someone who really wants to hug you — and more!0