In the friends with benefits scenario, the two partners theoretically care about each other. With sex calls, it’s mutually understood that the only intent is sex. The sole purpose of these encounters is to consummate lusty ideas. When a man calls you at 3:00 in the morning, he doesn’t want to hear about your day, your 10:00 meeting, and he could care less about the problems you are having with your family, let alone if you happen to have a significant other. There are no conversations about how your holiday was, that you have to take the dog to the vet, or about your racquetball game in the morning. In fact, the only conversation is generally talking dirty in bed…or on the kitchen table, couch, or floor.
Normally I report on these issues with a definite opinion in mind, but I am presenting today’s issue for your consideration. I am merely providing questions for you to ponder. Are people just using each other in a sex call situation? If so, is this okay? If sexual attention is a basic need, then is mechanical, purely animal sex okay? Or should sex mean more in the overall scheme of things? That’s for you to decide.
If you decide to entertain a sex call, consider several factors first. What are your intentions? What are your partner’s intentions? It must be clear that this is only a temporary situation. Can you manage the consequences? Both parties must agree that there are no expectations other than sex. Before you agree to take this “call”, truly reflect on your morals. If you know that you need lovemaking to have a deeper meaning, then don’t participate. If you only want to make love with one person and be in a relationship, perhaps this isn’t for you.
As with friends with benefits, there is potential for someone to get hurt. There’s always the possibility that one person is harboring a crush or hope that this will turn into a relationship. Some people, especially women, use sex to gain a relationship. But, on the other hand, some think sex is just sex and can enjoy sex for sex only.
Here’s another thought to ponder: is there a Madonna/whore complex involved somehow? A reader once wrote to me about his “sex buddy.” Though he claimed to be happily married, he would still occasionally call his “buddy” because, in his mind, he could engage in certain acts with her that he would never ask his wife to do. Hmmm…Is this the classic Madonna/whore complex? If so, should we not be married to or be in relationships with those we are sexually compatible?
Communication is key. Express yourself! Share your needs with your partner. If someone truly loves you, you could be pleasantly surprised at what fantasies they are willing to fulfill. And while sex is not the ENTIRE relationship, it is an important component.
That said, let me dig a little deeper into what I like to call “The Bittersweet Wait that Is Anticipation.”
I often suggest that we go out of our way to surprise our beloveds. In this crazy, hectic world, the least we can do is take five minutes in the morning every once in a while to plan a surprise for the most cherished person in our lives. Imagine how good your partner would feel if he/she received flowers at work with a dirty note attached, full of promises for that evening. Or how lusty they would feel if they received a salacious text message mid-morning.
I have a friend who received a text message from her boyfriend at 8:30 in the morning that just said: “I’m horny.” Those two little words were enough to get her mind racing, already fantasizing about what she would do to him that night. The anticipation kept building when he left a voice mail message for her at noon, then an email around 3:00. By the time she got home, she told me she “had a puddle in her panties.” You can’t tell me taking five minutes out of your day isn’t worth a puddle in your lover’s panties.
Alas, there is a downfall to anticipation, especially if the wait is longer than a workday or even a week. It’s wonderful that the anticipation is building, but in the meantime, the wait is well, rather bittersweet. You might email, call each other, send text messages, but nothing can compare to actually cuddling with the person, seeing their smile in person, and of course, making love whenever you want. In the meantime, you are waking up alone, constantly daydreaming about the person, and fantasizing about what it will be like…all the while alone.
The time away from one another can seem like a sweet torture – you are probably both yearning so much you feel like you could burst. Some say it’s nice to have something to look forward to, nice to let the anticipation build, and that it could even make the sex better when you finally DO get to be with one another.
But tell that to someone in a long-distance relationship, to a couple where one partner travels constantly for work, or a couple in which one is stationed overseas. “Absence might make the heart grow fonder,” as they say, but anticipation won’t keep you warm at night. While the wait can be a sweet torture, it completely adds to the overall experience. One of our goals in relationships is to make our partners feel good (right?!), so take the extra five minutes to write a little note or leave a message. It doesn’t have to be an elaborate plan or cost you $100; it’s the idea that the person you’re crazy about the most is thinking about you, too. And that they went out of their way to communicate it.