You’ve just had an argument, voices were raised and doors may have been slammed. Now, what’s next? Well, the very first thing is to look at yourself and see where you were a part of it. You can ask psychologists, long-time married couples, divorced couples, or life coaches. They will all tell you to look at “your” part in the argument, both before the argument and during the argument. The end goal should be accountability and admitting where you were wrong. You do the crime, you gotta do the time. Sorry, that sounded way cooler in my head.
Here are 10 simple (but practical) tips on how to make up after an argument with your partner and have fun.
1. Call yourself names, and we don’t mean nice names. Raise your voice and call yourself crazy, mean, obnoxious, overbearing, hurtful, and so forth. This will give your partner an opportunity to see that you are being accountable for your part of the argument and potentially start to smile. If your partner jumps in with name calling just repeat, you’re right I am a “jerk,” your right I am “obnoxious,” you’re right….
2. Blame yourself for the argument. Say “I started it,” “I came home in a bad mood.” “I’m at fault” and other words you can blame yourself with. Your partner loves this and it puts you in the mental mood for later.
3. Point out your insecurities. Do you feel less than handsome or beautiful? Do you feel less intelligent? Because you love your partner, you are willing to look at your imperfections and how they make you feel less admired. This will allow your partner to appreciate your strengths even better and act as a wake up for what’s really charming about you.
4. Be the bigger man. Tell them they’re right and you’re wrong. By now, your partner is already feeling in control, and that’s the point. You want them to acknowledge your efforts in making the relationship work, even if it means losing a silly. Having a good sense of humor will also come in handy at this point and help lighten the mood.
5. Use terms of absolutes. Use the absolute words “never,” and “always.” Say things like “I always slack off on helping you around the house.” “I never help with the kids.” “I always make a mess for you to clean up.” “I never take accountability in our arguments.” The use of these terms about you will bring a smile to your partner’s face and make them feel relevant in the relationship. It is this simple acts of shifting control that will calm them down.
6. Apologize. Saying sorry when you’re wrong gets you a step closer to making up. Say things like “I apologize I created this and want to apologize because of the way I acted.” Now if this is really outside of your normal character then it goes a long way. The more you say this aloud the more your partner will break down their walls (argument walls). Then again, don’t apologize if you’re just going to be an asshole again. Sarah Ockler, author at The Post, says, “Sorry is just a word. One word against a thousand actions.” Let that sink in
7. Show happiness and appreciate your relationship. For example, you can say, “I’m glad to be married to you,” “I am excited with our relationship.” This is a great way to get your partner’s attention and remind them what they would be giving up if this doesn’t work. The more dramatic you get with these quotes, the more impact you’ll have on your partner.
8. Write notes about yourself from the previous eight steps and leave them where your partner will easily find them. Let’s take the absolutes as an example. You can write a simple note that says, “I never help with the kids, and I’m sorry.” Then leave this note in your partner’s car, backpack/purse, lunch sack, and so forth. If you’re creative, cut out the paper into a non-rectangular shape, e.g. heart, circle, diamond, or whatever works for you
9. Give a simple and fun gift with a special note attached. Let’s use a “100 Grand ®” candy bar as an example. Take the bar and tape a note to it which could say, “You’re a hundred grand, and I’m only a dollar.” You could use an apple with the following note, “An apple a day keeps the jerk (me) away.” Roses could work perfectly too. Just attach a note to the flowers saying something like, “Roses are red arguments are blue, you married a jerk who never says thank you.”
You’ll be amazed at how you can take anything and package it for a fun and effective make-up tool. By “breaking the ice” after the hard words of an argument and after following these steps, you will reduce the amount of time it takes to talk through the hurtful words from the argument.
One of the most important parts of this ten-step process is to smile during the process. Don’t smirk or glare in anger at your partner. Remember, you are doing this to set the ball rolling as you swallow your pride and allow a calm and mature conversation to open up after the intense argument. It’s not that hard. It shouldn’t be.