I took the time to review some of the hundreds of e-mails I have received this year. I try to keep them categorized, according to the problem stated, (especially my personal consultations) to look back and see how couples are progressing.
One thing that caught my attention was the high number of e-mails that I received when people expressed a serious dissatisfaction from their sexual experiences. I am not referring to physical problems during intercourse, but rather, an internal, emotional dissatisfaction with sex. A large number of you don’t have any problems with the physical part of sex….you just wind up feeling empty later.
Well, personally, I have never been very enthusiastic about recommending external answers to sexual or relationships problems. Numerous men have told me how Viagra kept their penis up for hours….but didn’t do a thing for enhancing their sexual experience. The Internet is crammed full of sex toys, strange sexual advice and a hoard of cheeky chat boards all designed to promote orgasmic ecstasy!
Then…. how come so many people are so dissatisfied and unhappy with their sex lives?
It is because so many of us have lost the ability to sensually touch each other. Treating someone special has materialized into giving gifts or going to fancy dinner dates, or whatever expensive treats they are giving nowadays. Not to say that they don’t work, but the truth is, everything is secondary to True Love!!
Have you noticed that there is a direct correlation between the size and cost of the gifts and the lack of any true connection?
I dated a guy once. He started lavishing me with expensive gifts immediately after our first date. It was almost embarrassing to me. He went all out and I literally stacked the boxes underneath my vanity, even the expensive jewelry. A deliveryman delivered most of the gifts to me. In the midst of all of this spoiling…I was actually very sad inside about him. He’s was only doing what he knew… but what I really yearned for…was him…just him. He was mostly absent because he was tied up in all sorts of demanding business ventures. His life was suffocating him…but he didn’t know what to do about it.
One evening, when he was in town, I asked him to come over. By the expression on his face…I immediately knew that he had been here before. I explained my feelings to him and pointed to the box where all of his expensive gifts were stored. He looked almost frantically at me and begged me to give him another chance. The chance wasn’t mine to give…he had to make some changes…and it obviously wasn’t the time for him to do that, or it would have been naturally occurring without needing to even discuss it. There is a time for everything under the sun… and it wasn’t our time. Has this happened to you?
Now, back to sensual touching….
Most people know that infants fail to thrive when no one touches them. Even pets come near us to be touched. Everything that’s alive, even plants, thrive from being touched.
But here’s the thing…we humans…. with our big brains…. Often don’t know the difference between sex and lovemaking. Sex spurns us on to a goal: climaxing. Pure and simple…Right? Not so simple when that’s all we experience in one night stands and flighty, shallow relationships. We end up broken and disillusioned by these experiences. Most of us don’t understand why we feel the way we do….so desperate and sad inside.
Truly satisfying sex, the kind that leaves you panting and soaking wet, is the result of being touched and stimulated from the top of our head…to the soles of our feet. It is not a sixty-second sexual adventure! Dogs in the yard can do that! In fact….they do!
I have already discussed, on other pages, and in my e-mails to you, how vulnerable we all are during sex. We may be vulnerable, but that doesn’t mean we have been intimately touched by it. Understanding the difference between genital sex and sensual sex is the key to experiencing deeply satisfying sex.
Intercourse focuses on culmination, whereas sensual sex focuses on lovingly caressing and savoring every inch of other, which leads to intense climaxes, often at the same time, because the lovers are so in tune spiritually with each other. It is a heightened sexual experience. For a while, you are completely on a ride to another place. That is why it is so healing to us. It’s a balm on our soul! We were created to lovingly touch each other.
Prostitutes don’t kiss because it is intimate, and they can’t be intimate with customers. Lips are sensitive to touch, and kissing makes hearts flutter. We are touched emotionally and physically by it.
Here are some lovemaking tips to help you move from a mere sexual release to ecstasy with your lover
- Reserve your bedroom, or another room, exclusively for lovemaking and resting. No other activities are allowed in this room. It is not the exercise room, the home office, the argument room, the laundry room, the study room, the music and movie room, the whatever else room. No!!! No!!! NO!!!!
- Spend one evening mapping each other’s sexually stimulating body areas or erogenous zones. I don’t believe in telling people what these specific spots on the body are. I want them to discover it in each other. Each person knows how he or she likes to be touched and caressed. Take the time to find out how you feel (and how your lover feels) when you touch them in different spots. One of my e-mailers told me that her sexual relationship with her boyfriend exploded when they learned through foreplay how they wanted to touch each other. She played soft music and softly kissed him on the inside of his ankle and he had a spontaneous orgasm from it. Wow! I haven’t heard from her in a good while….she must be very busy!!
- Give yourselves a chance to unwind a little before you make your way to the bed. Distance yourselves from the act of intercourse to a more stimulating state.
- Begin with a soothing, sensual bath together.
- Rub some kind of stimulating mint gel, or dilated peppermint oil on his penis. Most men love the way that feels. It is cooling and hot…all at the same time. Women enjoy the way it feels too because it drives blood to the region.
- Hug each other quietly, lovingly in bed. Then slowly build up the intimacy by moving your hands around on each other. Focus on each other’s special erogenous zones.
- Delay focusing on orgasm. It will come (excuse the pun) from the natural feelings you build in each other. It will be far more forceful and satisfying than if you were just touching each other’s genitals. You will never go back to genital sex after you have had sensual sex. You will be spoiled for life!
- Don’t worry about what you don’t know about massaging another person. I don’t want to be professionally massaged. I can pay for that. I want to be loved. This isn’t a mind thing – you’re not going through some prescribed routine like a massage therapist. Your hands and body instinctively know what to Do, Just let go and focus on the other person – focus on making THEM feel special and treasured, then let go and let them make YOU feel special. No material gift in the world can compare to the gift of feeling treasured by someone.
A special note…….
I have received quite a few e-mails from women complaining about how men just turn cold after sex and don’t want to talk. He’s come and gone… straight to sleep.
First of all, don’t feel sorry for yourself. Instead, work on your lovemaking by turning physical sex into romance using the tips above. Men only open up if they feel safe. Whatever you do, don’t look stunned when it happens. Just hug him and feel supremely happy. Like icing on the cake! Great sensual sex and tender talk! Wow!
Incidentally, women (and men) who sensually touch their partners in this way have few, if any concerns with infidelity. Their partners are so nourished and enriched by their sexual lives that have simply no need to look elsewhere.
So do yourself a favor. Quit prowling around cruising for one night stands. You are never too young or too old to fully be sexually satisfied…. and you will never find satisfaction in a one night stand.1