Men are strange, and half the time they are being weird, they don’t even realize it. For us, the line between normal and weird is just too thin to acknowledge. But women notice – everything. They may not understand why we do some of these “odd”, “creepy”, or “gross” things (they probably never will), but we just can’t help it.
Of course, women have lots of expectations from us, men, and whenever we act strange (even though we hardly ever think it’s strange), they will definitely talk about it. So in the spirit of full discretion, I sampled a few guys and asked them to share some of the weird things they do when they are alone. The response? Let’s just say I am not that surprised. But since we are sharing, I’ll go first.
When no one is around, I am a famous musician. Everything is my microphone, and everywhere is my stage. The crowd loves me. My personal favorite is singing into my TV remote while walking from my room, down the stairs, and into my living room as if there was a camera in front of me for the audience to watch my entrance on the jumbo screen. And when I reach the couch, I lay down like a model as the crowd goes wild. Good times my friend. Good times.
Think that’s weird? Here’s more…
I argue with myself – A lot
I hold full on debates with myself, out loud and while pacing from room to room. I like to imagine a custom courtroom. I am the judge, I am the prosecutor, and the jury is my multiple personalities. I present all my cases to myself, argue them out from all angles, and at the end of it all, I like to bang on the table (in my head) as I make the final ruling. It sounds way cooler in my head. I’m a badass judge
I like chilling with my hands in my pants
I always put my hands in my pants, especially when I’m wearing sweats. Not in a sexual way at all but I’ll ALWAYS put my hands in my pants. Just chilling. With my hands in my pants.
My brain makes me act up when I’m alone
When I’m alone, especially in the shower, I think of ways I embarrassed myself in the past. My brain, for some reason, likes to remember all the times I’ve messed up and embarrassed myself. Maybe it’s a natural way of teaching me how to not suck again, or maybe my brain is just mean like that. Sometimes, I find myself saying things like “Stupid, stupid, stupid” while knocking my head on the wall. Just like Dobby.
I play out full-on personalized movie scenes in my head
When I’m alone and idle, I tend to play out conversations with myself, including facial expressions and gestures. Yesterday, on the couch, as I was watching Designated Survivor, I got carried away and suddenly, in my head, I was this awesome version of Jason Bourne, wanted by the government for exposing a conspiracy to kill all the minions. It’s not as silly as it sounds. Minions are cool. They don’t deserve to die man.
I’m all-around when I’m alone
I talk to myself, I sing in the shower (my daughter thinks my voice is terrible), I try different voices, I crossdress, I talk to my dog. Lather, rinse, repeat. That’s my life.
Lawyer by passion
I wanted to be a lawyer but my parents wouldn’t pay for law school. Sometimes, I’ll hold full hearings using my stuffed animals as the judge and jury and my cat as the defendant. Sometimes he has to serve time in his kennel.
I make creepy faces and pretend I’m a freak
Sometimes I will creepily smile with huge eyes and slowly turn my head to a random direction in my apartment. I do this in hopes that one of these days someone will have broken into my apartment and I’ll scare them away.
I’m like an annoying Sheldon, only with myself. My OCD needs closure
Whenever I hear a phrase, I tap/grind my teeth left and right for every syllable. The very last syllable has to end on the right side and if it doesn’t, I get pretty annoyed and start all over again from the opposite side. I also blink my eyes on the road whenever I pass a street pole. It’s a serious obsessive-compulsive behavior and I just can’t help it.
I’m DC’s best superhero
I pretend I’m Special Ops and hide behind walls with my hands clenching an imaginary gun. I’m a full grown man. Pew Pew!