Who doesn’t love a silly laugh from a good old dad joke? Dads. We all love them. They are the pillars of our homes with their solid advice, yet also the only guys you want to be around during family barbeques. The clueless expressions of typical fatherhood, the literal interpretations, and the weird perspectives dads have on life will always leave you chuckling if not rolling in the aisles. And the puns? Urgh…
Here we share some funny stories about Dads and their honest expressions of fatherhood. If you thought Dad reflexes were weird, here’s something you can relate to.
When I got caught with porn (magazines, it was the early 90s) by my mother, she yelled at me for one horribly cringeworthy hour. Exasperated, she turns to my dad and says “you talk to him!” Mom leaves the room.
Dad turns to me and says, “You gotta learn to hide it better.”
I had a new boyfriend with longish hair who came over to meet my father and pick me up for a date. My dad opened the door, looked at him and said, “Go spend the money you were going to spend on her to get a haircut and then come back.” He closed the door in his face, went to the fridge, got a beer, and went back to his cowboy movie, all without saying a word to me.
Back in the day when the grocery stores still asked, “Paper or plastic?” he would say, “Both, I’m bi-sack-tual.”
He would laugh harder than I had ever seen before while I face-palmed my way out of the store.
In the car, whenever I try to take a sip from a water bottle, my dad brakes a little, and all the water splashes back in the bottle and then out in my face. Every time I ask him why he does this, he claims that a squirrel ran over the road just as I was drinking.
“Daddddd, I’m HUNGRYYYY!” “Hi Hungry, I’m Dad.” Ugh.
When I was very young, my dad would pretend to know everything and make up answers if he didn’t know it or thought I wouldn’t understand.
“Why is the moon different shapes sometimes?”
“I take down sections of it at a time to do repairs.”
“How do you get up there?”
“I have a big ladder I keep under the house.”
“Can I see it?”
My dad taped a picture of a duck to a cross-member that people would often hit their heads on while walking down into the basement. When someone would walk into the beam, he would say, “Duck”, and then point to the picture. Classic dad.
When I was in grade 8, my dad was driving me to my friends and out of the blue he says, “Mad clapper, remember one thing, any girl that will jump into bed with you after meeting you at the bar, has probably done the same thing with over a dozen other guys”…. I was 13…
My dad was cleaning out his closet one day, and I was walking by his room while he was cleaning. He popped out of his doorway with one of those battery operated power drills, turned it on, and held it in the air yelling “Humans are smarter than apes”, and then proceeded to run out of the house and into the garage giggling.
I love that man.
My Dad once wore my mom’s dress, went outside, and waved to a bus of tourists. He scared all the kids in the neighborhood
My dad lost his license for multiple DUI’s. When I was 13, he asked if I wanted to go to town. When I agreed, he gave me the car keys. I said, “I can’t drive, I don’t have a license.” He said, “Neither do I, so you may as well drive.”
My dad laughed at me cause I got caught cheating in an exam, then proceeded to teach me how to cheat correctly. He then told me, “Only do this when you know you’re screwed, which is always because you don’t study.” Thanks, dad.
Listening to music with a friend. Dad comes in…
“Oh you’re listening to Garbage? I hear that’s trashy music…”
“I need to recycle that joke.”
The Iron Zebra
For the past 21 years, every time I’ve ever asked, “What’s for dinner?” he’s answered, “Dirt and Worms”. He laughs every time. Every. Time.
My dad came up with the term “Flocktopi”, to mean a group of octopuses. Lord
God of Cat
Whenever he was asked “What would you like for dinner?” my dad would say, “Shit and Sugar”, meaning just anything.
One day his Mom had changed his baby brother’s diaper, asked what he wanted for dinner he said “Shit and Sugar”. So she went to the kitchen, put the poop from his baby brother’s diaper onto a plate (later cleaned) and sprinkled sugar on it, and set the table. When he came up, he almost shit himself.
My sister trying to order a Starbucks drink: “I’ll have a tall…”
Dad: “NO NO SHE WANTS A SMALL. SHE WANTS A SMALL.”
Partial to dreamers
My dad always tries to rap in the house. He is terrible
“Yo yo yo. My name is Raoul I’m so cool. I didn’t go to school. And I’m such a bum. Because I live with my mom.”
Another sunny day
Dad is technology-averse. When I was job searching a few years ago, he told me about this awesome website I should use to find a job, called g-o-o-g-l-e dot com.
My dad doesn’t watch a bunch of movies, but he’ll stand in the room while others watch them. Before leaving the room, he will invariably say “This never really happened, you know.”
No matter what it was, when I was young and I watched a movie, dad always showed up at some point and tried to convince that he had written the movie I was watching.
Some bitch fell down
My dad would bring my sister and my mom into my room in the morning while I was asleep, and he would bang pots and pans together to wake me up. Then they would laugh and leave.
Whenever somebody called at home and asked, “Is Mandy home?” my dad would answer the phone and say, “Yes.” Then he would just hang up. His reasoning was that he answered the question, no further discussion needed.
Reference: Reddit (some comments have been edited for clarity)