75 Dad Jokes You Will Hate Yourself for Laughing At

Who’s better at pulling your leg and turning every situation into an uncomfortable joke than a pun-psyched dad? As bad as they may be, we all love dad jokes. First, you’ll giggle… then chuckle… make a few faces perhaps, and before you get to the end, you’ll be snorting like an excited pig. Here are 75 bad dad jokes that will make you hate yourself for laughing at.

  1. Why is Apple’s headquarters so hot? Because they refuse to install Windows
  2. I was in the toilet, angry and late for work. I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”
  3. What do you call a computer that sings? A Dell
  4. What do you call a small mother? A minimum
  5. What did the tectonic plate say when it bumped into another? Sorry, my fault!
  6. Tried changing my password to “14days” but it was two week
  7. Last night I watched a documentary on a guy who worked sixty hours a week crushing coke cans. It was soda pressing
  8. What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale
  9. What do you call a person with no body and no nose? Nobody nose
  10. People make such a big deal about vegans but I don’t get it. I’ve never had beef with one
  11. What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine
  12. The last four letters in the word “queue” aren’t silent. They are just waiting their turn.
  13. Son, do you know that this is a very popular cemetery? People are just dying to get here
  14. My wife said, ”You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” What a strange way to start a conversation
  15. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it
  16. Our new neighbor always kisses his wife before he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that? Because I hardly know her
  17. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam
  18. Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours. So they decided to call it a day
  19. What nationality are you when you go to the bathroom? European
  20. The day I found my first grey hairs… I thought I’d dye!
  21. A blind man walks into a bar, and a table, and a chair.
  22. I saw a man take a gate from the bottom of my garden. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want him to take a fence
  23. Why is Thor’s brother so relaxed all the time? I don’t know – he’s just low-key
  24. Being told I was going deaf was very difficult to hear
  25. My friend David lost his ID… Now I call him Dav
  26. My ex-wife hated my obsession with horoscopes. It Taurus apart
  27. I woke up with my face full of rice.i must have fallen asleep as soon as my head hit the Pilau
  28. Why did the picture go to jail? It was framed
  29. I tried to remarry my ex-wife, but she figured out I was only after my money
  30. Why was the baby ant confused? Because all of his uncles were ants
  31. Have you guys head the one about the vegan transgender? He was a her-before
  32. What do you call a cold you get twice? De-ja-flu
  33. If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
  34. Guys, to be frank, I would have to change my name
  35. Why did the monkey and Jane fight over Tarzan? Because they heard her swings both ways
  36. I hate snakes and worms because they have no feet. You could say I’m lacktoes intolerant
  37. Someone told me my clothes were gay. I said, “Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning.”
  38. Where do birds meet before coffee? Nets-café
  39. I never make mistakes. I thought I did once, but I was wrong
  40. What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between me and you, something smells
  41. As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans!
  42. I’d never sign up to a human cloning programme. I don’t think I could live with myself
  43. What happens when you eat aluminum foil? You sheet metal
  44. I went to the zoo the other day and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity..
  45. What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener…
  46. My wife refuses to go to karaoke with me. I guess I’ll just have to duet alone
  47. Everyone says I excel at my job fertilizing fields. But it’s simple – all I do is spreadsheet
  48. Why was the cannibal lion so humble? He swallowed his pride
  49. What do you call a bee that can’t make up his mind? A maybe
  50. What do you call a factory that makes average products? A satisfactory
  51. What did the priest shout at the salad bar? Lettuce Pray
  52. Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor said I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside
  53. Then other day I bought myself a universal remote and thought to myself, “Well, this changes everything.”
  54. Mountains aren’t just funny… They’re hill areas!
  55. What do you call a frog with no legs? Un-hoppy
  56. What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos
  57. A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” the doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you…”
  58. Where do cats go when they die? Purrgatory
  59. Why do French people eat snails? Because they don’t like fast food
  60. What do you call a dictionary on drugs? Addictionary
  61. My wife broke up with me recently because I’m a compulsive gambler. All I can think about is how to win her back
  62. What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear
  63. For years I’ve suspected my wife of adding soil to my garden. When I asked her, she just shrugged – the plot thickens…
  64. I once dated an apostrophe. Too possessive
  65. Have you heard the rumor going around about butter? Never mind. I shouldn’t spread it
  66. What did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead, I’ll give these two a lift
  67. Where does a boat go when it is sick? The dock
  68. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
  69. I tried to get reservations at the library, but they were completely booked
  70. What do rappers do when they get free clothes? Freestyle
  71. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. Their ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent
  72. How did the date between oxygen and potassium go? It went OK
  73. Today, a girl said she recognized me from a vegetarian club, but I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore
  74. I wanted to be a comedian but I was afraid everyone would laugh at me
  75. I still remember what my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket. “hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

Ba-dum-tsss

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