I’ll admit it. My high school girlfriend was a total babe. My friends loved it when she tagged along and judging from the many smiles I got, I could tell that my mom loved her too. Sandy was sweet, funny, humble, beautiful, and for a while, I contrived romantic thoughts of the perfect future together. Five years later, I had a different story to tell.
Love is a drug. Once you get addicted, things get really tough when you can no longer have it. With love comes a bond, and every strong bond means trust, loyalty, and commitment. But then again, bonds break, grief and remorse kick in and while some people get over it soon enough, some never recover at all.
“The experience of being left by someone who thought that they loved you, then learned more and changed their mind, can be a particularly potent threat to the self and can drive people to question who they truly are,” says Carol Dweck, a renowned professor of psychology at Stanford University.
My break up with Sandy was difficult for me, and my mom didn’t go easy on me either. She had already gotten fond of her and finding out that we had broken up was really upsetting. Looking back, I can only take comfort in the fact that I learnt some serious lessons from my break up – getting over the whole relationship proved the hardest.
Here are six reasons why you are still not over your Ex.
You didn’t take your time to grieve enough
A common mistake most broken lovers make is trying too hard to act as if everything is fine. You want everybody around you to believe that you are over the relationship and have moved on. Some people even go further to enter into new relationships immediately. But your heart is not a sponge you can just dry off by squeezing and pushing too hard. This will only make things worse. Understand that it’s okay to be sad. Take some time to compose yourself and refresh your mind. It will play a great part in helping you heal and be more open to moving on.
You haven’t forgiven yourself
Whether you were the cause of the breakup or not, sometimes we can’t help but feel that it was partly our fault. Self-blame is part of the grieving process. You feel like you didn’t do enough for them when you were together and now that they are gone, a pang of guilt haunts you. Even worse, if you were the cause of the breakup, you blame yourself for messing up their life, and it’s somewhat a huge burden on your conscience.
“Closure means finality; letting go of what once was, an author at Psychology Today writes. The first step to crack remorse is acceptance. Admit that whatever happened, did, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Take it as a lesson to make you a better lover and focus on self-improvement.
All your friends are still happy in their relationships and you feel sorry for yourself.
Every couple has a small circle of friends that they stick to; a small group of other close couples that they always hang out with and have fun together. After a breakup, however, the bond slowly fades away and the group collapses. So now you probably feel lonelier than ever, and finally realizing that your Ex was the only one who really had your back depresses you even more.
Seeing all your friends still happy in their relationships makes you feel like the wretched friend who everybody feels sorry for, and that breaks your heart. But don’t plumb the depths. This is a phase you have to go through and it’s totally OK to feel this way. Remember that you still have a life to live. Concentrate all your energy on your work and stay positive that you will find true love again.
Deep down, you know that it was easier for them to replace you
More often than not, we end up falling for the people we feel we can’t have. It’s the science of love. After a breakup, you secretly feel that they were too good for you and it makes you worried that you might never find someone better than them. Whenever you look at their social life, it kills you to see that they are surrounded by many ‘fun’ people, unlike your ‘fake’ admirers.
“It’s hard to accept when someone doesn’t want you anymore, Shannon Tebb, a relationships expert, writes in Shanny in the City. “It’s like an attack on your personal ego and you feel like you’ve failed at something, and it’s really hard to accept when something doesn’t work out.”
When you were together, this was just an ordinary feeling of jealousy and it was easier for you to tell them that it made you uncomfortable. But now, you are out the picture, and as much as it hurts you to see them still hemmed in love, there’s nothing you can do except watch in pain. The resentment even grows stronger if you find their new partner more attractive than you. But this hard emotions will only get you more stuck to your ex.
“You can’t get over your ex because you haven’t removed them fully from your life,” Shannon explains. Rather than being nosy or keeping tabs on them altogether, purpose to move on.
Your family really loved them
Sometimes, your mother asks you about your ex. And you have to lie about it because you know that she will be disappointed to find out that you’re no longer together. At times, your brother or sister keeps teasing you about them and it disheartens you because you know that your family had grown so fond of them. These accidental reminders of your broken love will keep you stuck to your past and make it quite hard to move on.
All your attempts to find love again have failed
Your friends feel sorry for you, and so they are busting their asses off to set you up with someone new, and with all the pressure around you, you feel that it’s time to move on and try something new too. But all the dates you have been to since the breakup are pathetic compared to the quality time you spent with your ex. You’re tired of trying and there’s no more energy left in you to meet new people. You just want things to go back to the way they were.
It’s true that you never know the value of something until it’s gone. But it’s also true that you never know the beauty of something until you try it – words of the wise Alexander Graham Bell. While breakups can be depressing, sometimes they may land you in better places. All you need is to process the pain right. The beauty of love is that, if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be and they will soon find their way into your life again. So don’t be so hard on yourself. Everything happens for a reason. It’s all written.